Sunday, December 30, 2012

Profiles in Courageousness Mayan Apocalypse Winner Announced!

I am pleased to announce the winner of the Ronald Reagan vs. Mayan Apocalypse winner.  It wasn't an easy choice for our judges, but in the end we gave the nod to Jeff  Caldwell for his coining of the phrase "Morning in Mesoamerica".  I will be contacting Jeff tonight to let him know how to claim his rare free edition of the Profiles in Courageousness eBook.    These were my favorite entries:

Reagan foiled the Mayan Sun Stone calendar by taking those offensive solar panels Carter put up off the White House and using good old fossil fuel again. @TeacherArthurG

In his Star Wars speech RWR invoked Gukumatz not to return to earth at End Time, thus a space time Laffer Curve. @djank

Blowing the world's budget on defense spending meant we couldn't use it for hedonistic splurges that would doom us all. @BaghwanB

*Winner* Reagan, recognizing the Mayan Apocalypse as the ultimate death tax, used his veto pen and ushered in Morning in Mesoamerica. @jeffreycaldwell

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

A Christmas Message from Jack Kimble

Merry Christmas!

I hope this message finds you and your family well and enjoying the peace of this joyous season.  If you are not Christian, I hope you are partaking of the joy of the season and worshiping as you see fit as well. For my Jewish friends celebrating the holiest of their holidays called Hannukah and my African-American friends ready to begin decorating their Kwanzaa Huts, I wish you peace.

For my Christian friends, I hope you don't get too wrapped up in the joy of time spent with family to forget about the real joy of this season.   While we all may dream of white Christmases, it's important to realize that the Christ child was born on a brutal winter's evening in Bethlehem and snow only made it more difficult for Joseph and Mary to keep that little baby warm in the manger so that he could someday shed his light on all of us.

With the recent uptick in gun violence, it's important that we do all we can to keep violent video games away from our families.    I will be hosting a violent video game turn in on Sunday December 30th from 1-5 PM at Heritage Valley Mall.   The first 100 people to turn in video games will receive copies of my new eBook, Profiles in Courageousness.  10 lucky participants will win a LaRue Tactical PredatAR 7.62 semi-automatic rifle.   This gun is a beauty.  It's a $2,500 value and  is effective for big game in stands as well as stalking the timber.  The rifles are being generously donate by the Glendale Valley Sportsmans Association.

I am thrilled with the success of my new eBook, Profiles in Courageousness and I hope that if you are stuck for a last minute gift idea, you'll consider it.  Just click the link on this page.  The book is both a road map for the future of this country as well as my personal memoirs of growing up and becoming the compassionate conservative I am today.

Have a glorious holiday and a wonderful New Year!  I will be enjoying myself unless we get called back for some fiscal cliff stuff.  I hope not.  I just want to enjoy this great district of mine.

Congressman Jack Kimble
Representative, California's 54'th District

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Win a Free Copy of Profiles in Courageousness Ebook

My new Ebook has taken the country by storm, but you can have a copy for free.   As you know, the world was supposed to end on December 21st, but the day ended without an apocalypse.  I can only assume this was because of something President Reagan did behind the scenes back in the 1980s.  To win a copy of the Ebook, simply explain in 140 characters or less on this blog or on Twitter how Ronald Reagan avoided the Mayan apocalypse.   I will get it to you in your preferred format and if you don't have an e-reader, I will even send it in PDF format.  I will announce the winner on December 30th. 

To tweet a winning answer use hash tag #Profilesincourageousness.   You can post it in comments as well.  Make sure to post with a name or pseudonym so I can announce the winner.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

President Lightning

The success of Profiles in Courageousness has made many readers ask me what my next project will be.  I am actually currently working on a screenplay for a movie that I am tentatively calling President Lighting.  It takes place during the 1936 Berlin Olympics and it's a piece of historical fiction.  Or is it?

In 1935, the Nazis worried about being embarrassed at the Berlin Olympics the next year kidnap Jesse Owens.   It looks like they will be unstoppable in track and field until a crippled President and a discredited ex-President from the other party team up to take it to Hitler.   He was born to lead, but he was made to run.   They call him President Lightning.   Here's an excerpt.


FDR is in his power blue track suit sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office.   He is smoking a cigarette and he looks sullen.   Herbert Hoover is standing in front of the desk in a brown suit.  He holds a clipboard and a stop watch.   Beads of perspiration run down Roosevelt's forehead and sweat stains mar the otherwise pristine look of Roosevelt's track suit.  There is an uncomfortably long pause as Hoover looks like he is about to say something, but thinks better of it.

FDR: [Flicking a cigarette ash] This is insane Herbert. I'm barely out of my wheelchair.  I can't win a race.  Somebody else will have to run.

HOOVER: Dammit Franklin! Why can't you pick yourself up by your own boot straps.   That's what Theodore would have done.

FDR: Damn you Hoover! I'm not him.   The other Roosevelt had two good legs.  All I've got is a big social program which has prolonged the Great Depression and a very unattractive wife who is even more liberal than I am.

HOOVER: If you think that's all you've got Franklin, then you've lost already.

FDR: What do you know about it anyway?  You're not even a real track coach.

HOOVER: [Snatches the cigarette out of FDR's mouth] Spit that thing out.   Those Germans are fast and I'm not training you so I can look foolish!  Look, I may not be a real track coach, but I am a real American and what I know is that an American is never licked as long is he's got a breath in his body and a fight in his heart.   You think you've got it tough Mr. President, well I've got news for you.   Thanks to all your big government spending a whole lot of people have it tougher than you do.   If I hadn't organized all those Hoover-villes they wouldn't have anywhere to go.   You think you've got it tough?  Try raising a family of 8 when you're factory just closed down.

FDR: [Angrily] I'm trying to everything I can.

HOOVER: Trying isn't good enough Mister President.   What are you going to do?

FDR: I don't know

HOOVER: I said what are you going to do?

FDR [Getting out of wheel chair] I'm going to run Hitler's socks off.

WHITE HOUSE MAID: [She is a rather rotund black woman who has been secretly listenning in on the two men's conversation] Lordy Mister President, I had hoped you'd say that.   I don't like that Mister Hitler none anyway.   You go run circles around them Nazis.   Jesse Owens was running for my people Mister President, the way I figure it you're running for all of us too now.

FDR: I intend to Dorothy.   Now why don't you fix me some of them biscuits you make.   All this training's going to make me mighty hungry

[Here we have a training montage as FDR goes from being unsteady on his feet to being a world class athelete thanks to his hard work.   Show Hoover looking displeased at first, but gradually lightening up as FDR improves.   This montage not only shows FDR's ability improving, but a bond developing between the two men.   This montage is an excellent spot for an uplifting rock song.]

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Jack Kimble Takes on Kelly Carlin's Podcast.

On Thursday, November 29th, California 54th District Congressman Jack Kimble took on George Carlin's daughter Kelly on her weekly podcast.  You can follow this link to the show.  Congressman Kimble's interview starts at the 53:45 mark, but the entire show is worth a listen to.  Though Kelly has something of a reputation as a liberal storm trooper, the remainder of the show was mostly apolitical.  Kelly was a very gracious hostess and the pair had a wonderful back and forth despite Kelly's liberal political naivete

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Congressman Kimble Gives Up on Food Stamp Challenge

It is with great sorrow that I throw in the towel on the Food Stamp Challenge that I began only a few days ago with such trepidation.  I can tell you right now, it is an amazing feat to be able to feed oneself on a meager $31.50 a day.   What doomed me in the long run was a miscalculation on my part.  I went out to dinner with former Congressman Tom Ensign to discuss a new PAC he wishes to start advocating for candidates with a strong focus on Family Values.   Unfortunately, I mistakenly thought it was his turn to treat.   In reality, I got stuck with the bill for steaks and Maker's Mark Manhattans totaling $325 blowing my budget out of the water for the week.   The only way to have made it work, would have been to rely solely on my own kitchen for the rest of the week.

Part of me really hates giving up on this challenge because it gives the satisfaction of my quitting to all the unemployed and Walmart employees on food stamps.   While I could not live on $31.50 a day, surely if they cooked for themselves, and clipped coupons, and stuck to domestic wines, they could make it work.  Still, I am a good enough man to admit defeat.  During these 3 days, I learned a lot about hunger and about suffering in a way that I couldn't have from listening to a lobbyist describe a bill I was going to vote on.   I guess in that way, the experiment was a success. 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Congressman Kimble's Food Stamp Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 of the Food Stamp Challenge was even harder than day 1 if that is possible.  Again, hunger wasn't the big issue as much as the way other people have begun perceiving me.  Also, with the big Notre Dame game tonight, I knew I was going to have to find a way to squeeze beer and chips into the very tight $31.50 food budget.

Breakfast: I was back at East of Java again today for another 12 shot venti vanilla cinnamon white hazelnut mocha with extra caramel and mocha as well as a blueberry scone.  I brought my wife and daughter with me as well.  As I brought the bill to the cash register, I managed to catch Joe's attention, but he seemed less excited to see me than yesterday.  He waved off my credit card again, but today it seemed like a chore or something.  Gone was yesterday's smile.   Could he sense the desperation that my new status has brought on?

Lunch: I was lucky at lunchtime.  I had made an appointment to see a friend of mine with the natural gas industry about legislation allowing fracking on public school property.   The proposal sounds like a great way of giving us long sought energy independence while at the same time allowing school children to learn about science.  It was your typical 4 martini lunch with a lobster tail thrown in for sustenance and a delightful pumpkin bisque soup. 

Dinner: I was feeling pretty good that it was now dinner and I had yet to spend a dollar on food.   The temptation was, of course, to splurge.  However, I remembered the chips and beer that I wanted for tonight's Notre Dame game.  Instead I went to the refrigerator.  The chef had made some Beef Wellington before leaving for the Thanksgiving holiday.  I followed his instructions and had the tasty pastry with some baby carrots and new potatoes.   Of course, I had a few glasses of wine for dinner.

Snack: I spent $20.18 on chips and beer for tonight's Notre Dame game.   Mantei Te'Meow and I have been looking forward to this game all week.

Day 2 Total = $20.18

Small Business Saturday: Today is Small Business Saturday,  I encourage everybody to visit small businesses for your shopping today.  If this note finds you too late, remember you can't get much smaller than an independent eBook seller.   My eBook Profiles in Courageousness is only $3.99 at better online retailers.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Congressman Kimble Begins Food Stamp Challenge

Today, I began the Food Stamp Challenge.   I did this not because it is easy, but because even in a prosperous district like mine, there are many people who are hurting.   There many unemployed and underemployed people who rely on food stamps to feed their families.  I read today that 80% of Walmart employees are on food stamps and I wanted to know their struggle first hand.   Please check out the challenge for yourself.

According to the challenge, the food stamp benefit in California is only about $31.50 per day.   I've seen Rachel Ray survive on $40 per day, but that was a few years back.   I knew right away that some luxuries would be off limits this week.  I would not be able to afford my favorite 1.5 pound lobster stuffed with a smaller 1 pound lobster and even a second glass of wine at dinner would be a stretch.  I knew reducing tipping down to 5% would help, but for one of the first times in my life I would know real hunger.

Breakfast: I love my coffee and today was no exception.  I sat down to the paper at East of Java Coffee Shop for my usual 12 shot venti vanilla cinnamon white hazelnut mocha with extra caramel and mocha.  To that I added a blueberry muffin and a morning newspaper.   As I reached into my wallet to pay the $22.47 bill, I thought I might have made a mistake wasting so much money on breakfast, but as I gave the girl my Chase card, the owner saw me.  Joe and I go back along way and he insisted on comping me on my breakfast as his Thanksgiving gift to me.  Breakfast was free, but what about lunch and dinner.

Lunch: I stopped by the club and again unfamiliar with familiarity I overdid it.  While I stopped myself at 2 martinis, the Welsh rarebit was a bit pricey and when I added the $1.60 tip to the $29.83 bill, I founded myself with a grand total of 7 cents left for dinner.   This was much harder than I thought it would be.

Dinner: I hoped I wouldn't have to resort to it already, but after our Thanksgiving feast we had a lot of what is commonly referred to as leftovers.   I made myself a cold turkey sandwich with a slice of leftover pumpkin pie and some Merlot.    Was this really what I was reduced to?  Was I really scrounging for my meals in the old food of my refrigerator?  As God is my witness, tomorrow is another day and I will not go hungry again.

Day 1 Total = $31.43

Monday, November 19, 2012

Profiles in Courageousness Wins Prestigious Award

It is an unprecedented feat for a member of Congress to write a book.  The daily grind of making the decisions of which bills to reject while keeping pledges to both the American people and to Grover Norquist don't allow a lot of time for writing.  That's why as a country we are very fortunate that Jack Kimble is a multi-tasker who took advantage of his limited down time and even more limited attention span to cobble together his memoirs into the book that would become known as Profiles in Courageousness.

Sales at Amazon have been brisk, but equally impressive has been the critical acclaim.  Today, Congressman Kimble can add award winner to his growing resume as a writer.  The Profiles in Courageousness Foundation awarded Jack Kimble's Profiles in Courageousness with the Prestigious Profiles in Courageousness Award in a ceremony held today in Washington D.C.   

The Foundation, which was established by Joseph Kimble this year to make Americans aware of public servants who act with conscientiousness and courageousness and to encourage elected officials to do what is right, rather than what is expedient while remaining true to the causes of American exceptionalism and conservative principles.  Kimble was an upset winner over favorite Mitt Romney who was expected to win for his gallant Presidential campaign.

"To be singled out by a foundation that was established by my father and administered by my family is a truly humbling experience," said Congressman Kimble, "I believe this award will be around for years to come like the Grammies or the VMAs.   This award is for the haters, who thought I would only be a one term Congressman.  It looks like I'm going to be around for quite awhile."

Readers and patriots interested in acquiring a copy of the Profiles in Courageousness eBook, should go to or to the book's page.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Congressman Kimble Demands Snack Cake Bailout

Like any red-blooded patriotic American, I was horrified to hear that Hostess was going out of business.  Surely, a company that hasn't demanded concessions from its workers in over 7 years deserves a break.  I put this tragedy surely on the head of President Obama and his administration.   The American Snack Cake Industry must survive.  Our nation is too big for it to fail.   Courageous steps must be taken in order to ensure that future generations are able to enjoy golden sponge cake with rich creamy filling or a flaky crust with real fruit filling.  I am making my proposal respectfully to President Obama in the form of four non-negotiable demands.   Mr. President, do not let us go off this snack cake cliff:

1. Sign and executive order dismissing all Hostess Workers unwilling to work for what the company is offering.  In 1987, President Reagan courageously fired striking airline workers who asked for it.  Even your President Roosevelt ordered miners back into the mines at a time of national emergency.  This is a national emergency!

2. Provide tax breaks for snack cake creators.  We will not be out of this crisis until those with the resources and machinery to create snack cakes do so.   We must give targeted tax breaks not only to Hostess, but to Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, and Tastykake.

3. Have Michelle Obama include Hostess products in her efforts to change school lunches.   While the overwhelming majority of The First Lady's efforts have been towards creating healthier school lunches, students can't live on vegetables alone.   A package of Twinkies or a Cherry Fruit Pie gives students the dextrose they need to perform in school and life.

4. Ease cumbersome regulations on snack cake production.  With an existential threat to the very existence of Hostess products, I don't care if there is a tiny bit of DDT in my Ding Dong or some very finely crushed glass in my Susie Q.   If I can't taste it, than what I don't know I'm probably better off not knowing.  The goal of sanitary food is admirable, but not at the cost of the wholesome goodness of Hostess products.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Courageous GOP Leadership Battles Presidential Overreach

Following last week's squeaker of an election night win for President Obama last week, The President has claimed that his victory has given him the right to unprecedented powers to make sweeping changes to this country.  Fortunately, the Republican leadership is standing tough fighting President Obama every step of the way.   Before, turning this country into a socialist Heaven, it makes more sense for him to clean up the problems left over from his first term.

1. The attack on Ben Gazzi in Libya.   We must find who is responsible for the attack on Mr. Gazzi and we must hold hearings to make these people accountable.  Mr. Gazzi was a hero and the Libyans who attacked him as well as the Americans that let it happen must be held accountable.

2. The growing gay marriage crisis in the army.   I believe that the recent scandal involving General Petraeus's affair with his biographer can be directly tied to gay marriage.  I know that gay marriage has cheapened my own marriage and as Petraeus was at ground zero for the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, he probably felt his marriage was even more in peril.  Until we end the threat of gay marriage once and for all, we will only see these unfortunate affairs increase.  I even heard a rumor that President Obama was talking about having a man date tonight.  This is just disturbing.

3. Iranian nuclear weapons.  Before the 2008 election, Iran was less than 6 months from building nuclear weapons.  The President has done nothing to stop them and now Iran is 4 years closer.  I think it's safe to say Iran has had nuclear weapons for over 3 and a half years.

4.  A shortage of Courageousness.  In my new book,  Profiles in Courageousness, I laid out the courageous steps that a President would need to take to rebuild this country.   I sent the President a link for a free copy of the book.  He has yet to download it, even though it is a quick and pleasant read and priced to move at $3.99.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Congressman Kimble Meets the Nation to Talk about GOP Future

Greg Roberts: The echoes of Tuesday night's crushing defeat for Mitt Romney and the rest of Republican candidates still echo through the beltway.  The fiscal cliff awaits, but it seems what everybody is talking about is how the Republicans rebound with demographics seemingly working against them for years to come. 

Our guest, Jack Kimble from California was a rare Republican winner on Tuesday night, winning his home district with over 83% of the vote total.  Welcome to the show Congressman.

Jack Kimble:  Thank you Greg.  I'm happy to be here.

Greg Roberts:  So 83%?  How did you do it?

Jack Kimble: I'm fortunate Greg.  The 54th District is a traditional family values district.  I guess we're not much different from America itself in that regard.

Greg Roberts: Do you think there are lessons that the rest of the Republican Party can learn from your phenomenal success.

Jack Kimble: I'm glad you mentioned that.  As you know, my book Profiles in Courageousness was released this week and in it, I tell the story of the American dream as I rise from the son of a wealthy landowner to become a United States Congressman.  I also lay out a road map for moving the Republican Party into the future.  You can find it at Amazon, Barnes and...

Greg Roberts:  Right.  I'm sure it's going to be a best seller Congressman, but getting back to the election.  Do you think that Tea Party candidates may have taken the party too far to the right?

Jack Kimble:  Oh what?  Sorry, I was just looking at my Kindle.  Do you realize that 25% of American students are in the bottom quartile on standardized tests?  I have a solution for that.  

Greg Roberts: Education is a big part of the dilemma facing our country.  Every year, there are more and more immigrants coming to this country and it's our public schools that have the responsibility to educate them.  Do you think that Republicans made a mistake being so anti-immigration?

Jack Kimble: Amazingly, that's in the book too.  Why build a wall on only one border?  Let's put a wall on all four borders and sell advertising on them.  It'll keep our country secure and give it a retro ballpark field.

Greg Roberts: I remember that was one of your issues from the Presidential campaign.  Do you think that your run for President may have helped you with your district?

Jack Kimble: I really don't want to talk about that.

Greg Roberts: It seems all you want to talk about is your book.  I'm sorry...ebook.

Jack Kimble: It's a form of literature.

Greg Roberts: Right.  Anyway, we'll be back after these messages with more from the Beltway and beyond....Look, will you put down your damn Kimble.   You are shameless sir.  Have you no dignity?

Jack Kimble: also carries the book.   Pick it up, you won't be disappointed.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Kimble and Romney Hopeful

Both Jack Kimble and Mitt Romney remained extremely hopeful as voters rushed out to cast their ballots in today's huge election.   Romney himself cast an early vote for the cameras while Jack Kimble, having neglected to register, cheered on voters at Heritage Valley High School before being chased off by an overzealous poll worker for electioneering.

While Romney is in a tough race for President, Kimble has experienced smooth sailing in his bid against Glendale Valley attorney William Forsyth.  Amazingly, the Kimble campaign has been absent much of it's usual drama such as his 2010 drunken robocall to 54th District voters:

It may be a long night for President and Congressman alike.  Here's hoping they both make history tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How the Jack O'Lantern Saved Christianity


My friends, I don't mind telling you that we find ourselves in a culture war.  The forces of radical atheism again threaten to rob this great country of the symbols of it's freedom and it's proud Christian heritage.   If these people have their way all traces of Halloween's Christian roots would be erased and all references to Jesus would be stricken from Halloween parades, store displays, and the hopeful mouths of trick or treating Christian children.    We must all stand together against this atheistic tyranny.

One of the stories, atheists don't want you to know is the story of the Jack O'Lantern.   In Ireland, Christians were persecuted for many centuries.  One of the reasons that St. Patrick was celebrated for driving the snakes from Ireland is because they used to feed Christian children to the snakes.   Christians were kept poor and not allowed to hold jobs.  Their possessions were simple, but their faith was mighty.

As the Irish traveled along the countryside at autumn harvest time looking for work picking crops, they were frequently met with signs that said Christians need not apply.   Even a non-Christian who hired a Christian to pick his crops faced persecution from the Irish King.   

The Irish  needed a subtle symbol to let others know that they welcomed Christians and that the light of Jesus shined within them.   They came up with the idea of taking a pumpkin and carving a smiling face on it.   They then placed a candle inside the pumpkin and placed it in the window.

The Irish named this pumpkin Jack of the Light or the Americanized version, "Jack O' Lantern".   Nowadays, pumpkins are carved into the most grotesque and hideous shapes imaginable and the original meaning of the Jack O'Lantern has been lost.   This Halloween if you carve a pumpkin with your children I hope you'll tell them the story of how the Jack O'Lantern saved Christianity in Ireland--one of the most Christian nations in the world today.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Speaker and The Ford House Five

[The following is an excerpt from my ebook Profiles in Courageousness: The Jack Kimble Story, which will be out for most electronic formats in the next few weeks.]

The Speaker and The Ford House Five - An Excerpt from Profiles in Courageousness: The Jack Kimble Story

Together the four of us made Ford House something special and even though Danny and Carlton have moved on and Tex, Bill, and I have grown older and a bit more mature, the days of the Ford House Five will always remain special to me.

The Ford House parties are legendary and nowhere is the spirit of bi-partisan cooperation more inherent than when you look into my office at 3 in the morning. You’ll find a Republican sprawled out on my couch, while a Democrat has put two chairs together, and another one has passed out on the floor. Meanwhile, I’m sleeping comfortably in my bed.. By the end of my first year in the House, my office had become party central, but unfortunately we had also gained a reputation.

I remember the first time Nancy Pelosi visited us in the office. We were setting up for a party celebrating the Preakness Stakes horse race from New York. The Preakness is the often overlooked third jewel of the Triple Crown and we thought that it definitely deserved its own party and we were going to give it one.

I was filling balloons with helium while Tex was making a Texas Tornado Everclear punch in the kitchen. Next to him was Bill who was making Jello shots, while Carlton had gotten on one of the wooden pole horses and was pretending to ride out the door of my office. When he opened the door he ran right smack into House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Gentlemen,” said Speaker Pelosi, “Though I am using that word most loosely.”

“Hello Speaker Pelosi. It is great to see you today. Is this visit for business or perhaps for pleasure? You know how tense Congress has been lately. We thought we’d have a party for the Preakness.,” I said.

Unfortunately, the helium fumes I had been inhaling all afternoon made my mock sincerity completely transparent to the Speaker who studied me with a look of pure disdain.

“And will there be alcohol at this party?” she asked obviously noticing that our elder colleague was still riding his imaginary horse, but had at least slowed it down to a cantor.

“Oh I thought my guests might like some spirits to unwind after such a historic week. You know the legislature never really rests Madame Speaker,” I said. “It sure was great seeing you. You should come by again sometime when you have more time.”

“She brushed aside the older Congressman and his horse and slowly made her way across the room. Let’s be blunt gentlemen. I don’t like you,” she said calmly.

“We’ve always held you in the highest regard Speaker Pelosi,” said Bill coming to my defense.

“Don’t BS me Congressman. It doesn’t become you,” said Pelosi.

“It’s true Madame Speaker. Why just the other day, I was telling my dear sainted mother…” I started and just like that, she cut me off.

“Let’s get down to brass tacks gentlemen. Mister Kimble, you’ve been here for over a year. Now nobody would ever confuse you with Daniel Webster or even Sam Rayburn, but in that time your sole legislative output has been to honor six Boy Scout troops, four little league teams, and Jack Webb three times,” she said.

“I have some big plans that will just take a little while to get pulled together,” I stuttered.

“I’m no fan of your right wing agenda Congressman, but bloated, intoxicated, and uninformed is no way to spend a term in Congress,” she said.

“Hey Jack, do you think I could get in on that Jack Webb Highway thing,” interrupted Bill.

“Consider this a warning gentlemen. Clean up your act or I will censure and I’ll let you explain your family values to the voters back home,” she said as she stormed out of the room.

The Preakness party was a huge blow out. Between lobbyists and our staffers there were plenty of women and the Texas Tornado punch was a thing of genius. I’d like to think that Speaker Pelosi would have enjoyed herself if she would have just let her hair down for a moment. There were plenty of Democrats there too. It’s like that old song says, “Got my hands up, they’re playing my song. I know I’m gonna be OK. Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!”

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Profiles in Courageousness: Juan Rangel

With the publication of my memoirs Profiles in Courageousness: The Jack Kimble Story in electronic format this month, it seemed prudent to  look at those courageous individuals who are making a real difference in the world today.  While my memoirs actually began as a Twilight fan fiction called 50 Shades of White, I believe that they provide a real inside view of politics and of my efforts through my own courageousness to change Washington.

Our first honoree is Chicago charter school magnate Juan Rangel who manages 13 Chicago charter schools as head of the United Neighborhood Organization or UNO.   Yesterday, Juan was out a big rally for more funding for charter schools, which a lot of people immediately attacked because that money would be taken from the city's neighborhood schools.  However, Rangel wasn't afraid to stand his ground even though with the $260,000 yearly salary he pays himself, he surely could have found more enjoyable ways to spend his time.  He declared war on public education and called for parents to join him in Springfield as he lobbies to bring parent trigger laws to Illinois.

UNO schools are most known for their spectacular fireworks displays, but you can't deny they have some amazing education opportunities available to students.  In fact their elementary schools rank between 407 and a whopping 99 out of 541 Chicago elementary schools on the state ISAT test.  UNO is a big undertaking that needs a lot of funding.  Their firework shows have seemed a little flat without the Blue Angels flying overhead and there are considerable administrative costs to removing low performing students in time for testing.  If we wait for all 160 Chicago Public Schools to get libraries before we dive UNO their money, they may have to reach into the $150 million dollars or so that they've gotten from the state in grants over the last two years.

The secret to UNO's success seems to be Juan Rangel himself.  He's a major adviser to Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, but his real role is guiding the 13 UNO campuses.  Their secret is to discourage moral crushing dissent by whining teachers.  Without a union, Rangel is able to make the tough decisions like firing a gym teacher who whined about mock rape in the boys' locker room.  

They may not have the most successful students and they may be demanding that Chicago allow more charter schools at a time it is closing schools for underenrollment, but for standing strong and demanding more money despite his large salary, Juan Rangel is a profile in courageousness. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

Jack Kimble's Convention Speech on The War on Women

[Congressman Jack Kimble was originally supposed to give the following speech at the Republican National Convention during Monday afternoon. Due to weather concerns, the speech was given Monday evening at a Saint Pete Waffle House]

I am deeply honored to address the Republican National Convention and the Saint Pete's Waffle House waitstaff. I stand in the shadow of great conservative culture warriors who have come here before me, but none of them could have had more pride than mine in representing the gallant American fighting man engaged in the war on women today. These men are sensitive to their mission and as we have seen unbeatable in carrying out that mission.

We are fighting to build a strong male-centric nation while women organized, directed, and supported from without attempt to engulf it. This is an unprecedented challenge for our nation, but it is one that will confront any nation that is marked as a target of sheet unbridled feminism.

Our enemy's commanders are skilled professionals and their troops are indoctrinated, well-trained, aggressive, and under tight control. For months we have been successful in destroying a number of civil rights. We will continue to seek out the enemy, catch her off guard, and punish her at every opportunity.

It is evident to me that the enemy believes our resolve is our Achilles' heel. Your continued support is key to our success. Even though large tracts of the Northeast and many blue states have fallen or may fall into the grip of the feminists and all the odious apparatus of female rule, we shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the legislatures,
we shall fight in the kitchens and bedrooms,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our gender, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight in the courts,
we shall fight in Planned Parenthood,
we shall fight in the clinics and in the doctor's offices,
we shall fight in the uteri,
we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this party or a large part of it were subjugated and removed from office, then our PACs, armed with untold millions from anonymous patriots, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the one percent, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of man and of mankind.
Thank you and please tip your waitstaff.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Mindy's Law Helps Women Find Love After Sexual Assault

"One of the things that’s troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine. But there aren’t really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year for being in a movie. And I think it gives a distorted image that yes, not everybody hires nannies, and caretakers and nurses. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of children wedlock.”
--Mike Huckabee

"And so I know it happens, and yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, you know, those people are able to do extraordinary don't punish the child for the crimes of the parent."
---Mike Huckabee

I am pleased to announce that I will be sponsoring Mindy's Law (HB1149) in the House of Representatives in an effort to address two terrible situations we currently face in this country. Every 2 minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted and those victims are overwhelmingly women. Unfortunately, some of those women will get pregnant. It is imperative that we protect these children and encourage women to keep those children.

Unfortunately, as things stand now, most women who keep their babies will have the stigma of being a single mother. We know this is not the best environment for a child and many women are so scarred by the sexual assault that they won't even consider the rapist as a potential spouse and father for the child.

Mindy's Law will create a video service that will enable the victims of sexual assault to reconnect with the perpetrators who victimized them. In a stress free environment, perhaps a love connection can be sparked or at least couples may decide to stay together for the sake of the child. Successful video visitations could lead to eventual face to face conversation and even conjugal visits.

Women who have been through the trauma of rape and then of bringing a child of that rape to term have been traumatized. There is no reason to punish them further by denying them contact with the father of their child. I join with Mike Huckabee in standing up for these women and I am prepared to fight for them with Mindy's Law.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Time at Bain

I was not one of the original investors of Bain Financial when it was founded in 1984. In fact, that year I was still an undergrad at Notre Dame. However, I did well enough for myself and the company that when Mitt Romney left the company in 2002, he retroactively made me CEO beginning in 1999.

What people forget is just what a different time those heady days were. America was attacked. At that time, we were worried that al-Qaeda could attack anywhere at anytime. In fact, one of our greatest fears was that they would target a large mall in the middle of the heartland. That was exactly the type of place where many of our investments like Sealy and Burlington Coat Factory were located.

It soon occurred to me that the best chance we had to protect our businesses from terrorists were to move them out of this country to safety. We took the same approach in moving our money overseas as well because we knew that in doing so, we were denying al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations access to vital funding.

Mitt Romney was not involved in much of the daily operations of Bain Capital. In fact, when I told him of the jobs I had outsourced during his absence, her looked at me shocked. His only response was to begin saying, "My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing." As I tried to explain myself, he simply recited the lyrics of one patriotic song after another and I really couldn't get him to focus on our conversation. When I finally asked him if everything was OK he simply looked at me and in his commanding almost robotic way said, "So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song, the butterflies fly away. I'm noddin' my head like Yeah! Movin' my hips like Yeah! Got my hands up, they're playin' my song And now I'm gonna be okay Yeah! It's a party in the USA! Yeah! It's a party in the USA!"

In the end, I was proud of my time with Bain. It was I who replaced the plumbing in the executive washroom with the tears of small orphans and I made a lot of companies leaner, stronger, and gave them workers with cool accents. I helped protect American investments at a very tough time in our country's history.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Congressman Kimble's Speech at Saint Nicholas Owen College

Thanks for inviting me to speak to your organization. I wish we had had a abstinence club at Notre Dame back when I was in college, but I guess we never really needed it. I graduated in 1985 and in the 1980s, nobody in college was having sex. A lot of people would tell stories, but I knew they were making it up. I'm hear to talk about birth control, which is something I've unfortunately learned a lot about even though my wife is barren due to an unfortunate childhood accident with a combine. I still love her very much and we adopted a beautiful girl this year, which is almost as good as having a child of your own.

We face a crisis in this country. Every year thousands of children are born before they are even conceived because of birth control or as the scientists call it contraception. Hitler killed six million people. By my math, it doesn't take long for an irresponsible guy with a pack of condoms to literally be worse than Hitler. As a civilized country, we simply cannot allow this to continue.

We Catholics aren't particularly into sex. For one thing, we're not very good at it. For another, many Catholics practice the only form of 100% effective and moral birth control - abstinence birth control. I believe that all employers should provide the pamphlet on abstinence only birth control that Jack Chick created.

Abstinence Only is the answer for all Americans. It is 100% safe from both disease and pregnancy. It's technique is really simple, think unsexy thoughts and say no. In college I carried a picture of Ayn Rand that I could look at whenever I was feeling lustful. It always did the trick. The latest scientific research shows that birth begins at ejaculation, sometimes called the breath of life. While there's no evidence of a single sperm surviving on it's own for long, we can't discount future scientific advances.

I thank those of you here for taking the pledge and I hope others will join you. Sex will be there for you when your older and frankly it'll mostly be a giant colossal disappointment. Contraception only makes it less satisfying. Even if you wear ribbed condoms inside out for your own pleasure, it's still kind of meh. Thank you and Stay Free Saint Nicholas Owen College!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Jack Kimble Anounces Presidential Endorsement

This has been a hard fought GOP Presidential Primary Race and more than anything I wanted to emerge as the Republican nominee. Unfortunately, it was not to be. However, I would be foolish not to admit at this time that the remaining field is an embarrassment of riches. We would be lucky to have any of them as our nominee to take on President Obama.

As I thought further, I realized what I was looking for was a candidate who can speak with authority on family values like Newt Gingrich, yet also speak with the authority on the economy that Mit Romney has with everyday working stiffs. If he had the same ability to ride with the back and forth and come from behind the way Rick Santorum does we'd have a winner. Throw in expressive eyebrows like Ron Paul and we've got another Reagan.

Unfortunately, reviewing the candidate, I found that the only candidate who really had all these qualities was myself. I have dropped out of the race, but there is still no reason why people cannot continue to write me in. For that reason, I am endorsing Jack Kimble for President of the United States.

Soon after writing this, I realized that endorsing myself wasn't really the wisest course of action. In Iowa, God had endorsed me and I do believe that through God all things are possible. That's why I'm also endorsing God.

Finally, I needed a candidate with a chance to win. While God should have everybody's support and while I am clearly the most qualified candidate, I wanted to endorse somebody who was still in the race. The answer was clear---former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer has had the same trouble having his message heard as I have. The establishment is clearly as afraid of him as they are of me and while I have not been able to get him to endorse my stands on child labor or encasing the United States in a 15 foot wall paid for by advertising, Roemer is clearly a candidate of solid principles.

So, in order, I am endorsing the following candidates:

1. Myself (write me in)
2. Jesus (would have been my first choice for running mate)
3. Buddy Roemer (still fighting the good fight)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Jack Kimble Suspends Presidential Campaign

I just got off the phone with my Mitt Romney. Once again, he attempted to fire me and had to be assured that I wasn't on his payroll by several of his people. I congratulated Mitt and informed him, that we still had a long way to go. Unfortunately, I also got off the phone with my father who informed me that when a candidate's blood alcohol content is higher than his share of the vote, it's time to pull the plug.

I am disappointed to say the least--not so much with my dad as with the American people. You had a chance and you blew it. I represented a bold new future and you ignored me to support a candidate that makes John Kerry seem like a wild man. To the people of Florida, I say there's a reason people call you America's penis.

This week, I will do a little bit of soul searching and then I will announce my endorsement for President of these United States. I hope that this endorsement will lead to a cushy ambassadorship or maybe a cabinet spot. I think I would be an amazingly good Secretary of the Navy.

America, it has been a real honor to get to know you. Unfortunately, you won't have Jack Kimble to kick around anymore.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Congressman Kimble Investigates Islamic Caliphate in South Carolina

I've been campaigning hard in South Carolina and I have definitely enjoyed the challenge of campaigning to African-Americans for the first time in my career. The number of black Republicans is small, but substantial and I've relied on everything that I learned from Michael Steele to reach out to them with an urban suburban vibe and good conservative values yo digity.

I had gotten some flack in New Hampshire, when a microphone I thought was off recorded me saying I would have no black people in my administration. Unfortunately, some of my opponents tried to use my statement out of context. I believe everybody who knew me understood that I meant people with black souls and what I said meant nothing about skin color.

On my first night campaigning, I became aware of what I believe is the first signs of a possibly sinister Muslim caliphate in South Carolina. I saw suspicious people putting these blue flags with a crescent moon and palm tree by the microphone I would be using to address a crowd in Myrtle Beach. I had my security chase them off and called in a bomb sweep that turned in nothing. Later, I cornered one of the people I saw with the flags and he tried to tell me they were state flags, but I know the South Carolina state flag and I'm pretty sure it is a variation on the old confederate stars and bars. I have since seen these blue crescent flags all around the state and they are extremely unsettling as are the reactions of the people here who walk past the flags as if nothing is out of order. If the Caliphate has infiltrated a conservative NASCAR loving state like South Carolina, we are in more trouble than I ever thought.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Evidence of Liberal Media Blackout of Jack Kimble

Throughout his campaign, Jack Kimble has faced an uphill battle just getting his message out. In Iowa, they miscounted his votes, some media outlets have refused to count him as a major presidential candidate, and he was only invited to 4 of the many primary debates this year. Many of his supporters had begun to openly question whether there was some kind of conspiracy to quiet Jack Kimble's voice. The answer has now become clear thanks to a Twitter post from Huffington Post's Sam Stein (If that is his real name) to ABC's Jake Tapper.

Luckily for the American people, Mr. Stein forgot the cardinal rule of the internet and the smoking gun remains on Twitter. It was actually Jack Kimble himself who found the hurtful tweet while participating via Twitter in last night's New Hampshire debate. At one point Jake Tapper retweeted a comment that the Congressman made about the absurdly high tax rate that American businesses are paying. In the picture to the left, you can see Mr. Stein's tweet. I have taken the liberty of blacking out the link he made to a hateful Washington Post piece on Congressman Kimble.

Evidence of a corporate media blackout on Kimble, gives pause to any American who is thinking of voting for another candidate. If the lamestream media is actively pushing Mitt Romney and other candidates, why are they so supportive of Congressman Kimble? Is is because he is the only Republican candidate with a legitimate shot to defeat Barrack Obama in November?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Iowa, It's Up to You Now

Iowa, it's up to you now. I've done my best job of crisscrossing your state and letting you know about why I'm the right choice for the job of President. Now, it's up to you not to blow it. Iowa's caucuses strike me as uniquely Iowan - the idea that you can spend several hours advocating for a candidate only to switch to a second choice to shut up the 4 people who keep talking about spy satellites and the fluoride in the drinking water.

I want every Iowan to have the opportunity to take this opportunity to decide for themselves who they want to run the country for the next four years, but I also encourage everybody in this great state to reflect on my recent endorsement by God himself in this race. It certainly puts your mind at ease when you know you are on a mission from God.

Our campaign headquarters is at the historic Hotel Fort Des Moines where win or lose, we will be having a big party tomorrow night. It is truly amazing to feel all the history in the air at this hotel. Walter Mondale kicked off his 1980 campaign here and George HW Bush stayed here during his 88 run. The hotel hosted important speeches by Nikita Kruschev shortly before he was deposed as well as American Vice-President Spiro Agnew. In fact, Woodrow Wilson gave his big speech on the 14 points here. Even Charles Lindbergh stayed here shortly after the birth of his baby boy. I hope that my campaign will add to this hotel's wonderful history.

This is crunch time. Please urge your friends to get out to the polls and campaign hard for us. Make sure everybody is aware of just what a great deal my 8-8-8 plan is. I expect tonight to be a real celebration for me. Frankly, I deserve it.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Jack Kimble Lands Game Changing Endorsement in Iowa

In this day and age, it's hard to call any endorsement a game changer, but the Kimble Campaign picked up about the biggest possible endorsement this week in Iowa when God the Almighty appeared to Jack Kimble and threw his support behind him in the Iowa Caucuses. God explained his support for Jack as being based on good old fashioned conservative family values and the 8-8-8 tax plan that Kimble has been championing. The Almighty told Congressman Kimble that he would have taken a hand in the campaign earlier, but had been busy establishing Tim Tebow as an NFL starting quarterback.

"Of course we look at this as a game changer," said Kimble, "God's endorsement is one that all of us have been hoping for. I know both Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann have been courting his support heavily and the fact he went with me says something about my plan to cut taxes and get the job creators going again as well as my call for old fashioned Christian values."