Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Congressman Jack Kimble Issues Statement on Turkey Drop Calamity

I am saddened to be issuing a statement like this on what should be a joyous day or at least the day before a joyous day. Today at noon, we attempted to give away 20 live turkeys at the Oakdale Shopping Center to the great people of the 54th District. Unfortunately, it was unknown to myself and to my staff that it common practice at turkey farms to clip the wings of the birds. The damage was both severe and unavoidable.

Shortly after noon, the first turkeys were dropped from our helicopter. The first turkey went through the windshield of a 2001 Ford Focus Hatchback. The turkeys hit the ground like bags of wet cement, which not only caused destruction, but incited a panic in the crowd. 4 people were injured including twelve-year-old Jerry Bell of Heritage Valley who suffered a broken clavicle and concussion when struck with one of the birds.

After the first 12 birds fell, and seeing the devastation below, I ordered the helicopter to land so that I could assess the damage. Seeing a very upset and anxious crowd, I tried to make things better by placing the 8 remaining turkeys on the ground next to the helicopter, but was astounded to see the turkeys acting with an intelligence and coordination that I would not have thought possible. The turkeys began to peck and to claw the nearby attendees and we were forced to take the helicopter back to the air in order to avoid them ourselves. Several of the injuries were the result of people trying to hang onto the helicopter as we ascended. There simply was not enough room to take everybody with us.

Contrary to rumors, there were no fatalities at the event and most who came had a great time. We take full responsibility for the damage to property and the injuries suffered by people attending the event. Before Operation Christmas Ham, we will be reviewing all safety procedures and making sure that the problems of today are not repeated in the future. I wish everybody a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow, whether you are at home with family or recuperating from injuries at the hospital.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanksgiving Turkey Drop

It's going to be a difficult Thanksgiving for a lot of people this year. The Obama economy has us all on edge, the liberal atheist agenda to turn Thanksgiving into a godless "Turkey Day" continues, and even traveling for Thanksgiving has become an arduous process. That's why I am delighted to announce that my office will be doing our First Annual Turkey Drop on Wednesday November 24th at the Oakdale Shopping Center at noon.

Thanksgiving has always been a very important holiday to me. After conquering a Trans-Atlantic voyage, a harsh winter, savage Indians, and French colonists, the Pilgrims had a celebration to give thanks to the Lord who had given them so much. They even shared their blessings with the local Indians in the spirit of true American hospitality.

We will be providing 20 farm raised turkeys, which will be dropped from helicopter to the parking lot where lucky attendees can try to grab the turkeys as they fly down to the ground below.

This is my way of helping those of you who are in need this holiday season, but obviously not everybody can win a turkey. However, we're going to have to have all sorts of fun and activities for the whole family including a speech on economic policy by myself. Come on out for a fun filled afternoon, and walk away with your own Thanksgiving turkey.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Jack Kimble Named GOP Pledge Chairman as Orientation Begins

In a highly anticipated move, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) named 4 term Representative Jack Kimble (R-CA) as the GOP pledge chairman for the 113th Congress. Having handled pledge chairman duties to the large freshman class of 2010, the smaller 2012 class should be no problem for the California conservative.   It will be up to Congressman Kimble and Speaker Boehner to help keep the new Representatives in line and united.

"A lot of times, people look at pledging as a time of heavy binge drinking while being quizzed on Atlas Shrugs, but the truth is, it's also a time where Representatives bond together. If we're to come together as one party, those nights spent out on the lawn in your boxer shorts with your face painted Republican red are important," said Kimble who will be responsible for hazing and educating both the men and the women this time around with Congresswomen Jean Schmid leaving Congress.

"People were shocked at our unity in the last Congress," said Kimble,  "It takes a lot of willpower to keep saying no and that's something, I'm happy to say, that we practiced."

The tradition of pledging new freshmen goes back over 100 years, but really came to the fore under former House Speaker Dennis Hastert who is said to have wrestled every single member elected to Congress for the first time during his tenure. Under Speaker Pelosi, the tradition waned a bit, but Congressman Kimble is aiming to make this a pledge class to remember.

"I felt a bit disappointed that I missed out on Hastert, but there are some old traditions that we have to follow. I've had my staff calling liquor stores, thrift shops, and petting zoos to get everything we need together. A lot of what we do is secret to outsiders, but if you watch C-Span don't be surprised to see a Congressman dressed at Hulk Hogan or Little Bo Peep or a group of freshmen addressing the floor and then singing a Rick Astley song. It'll be a lot of fun for us."

Introducing Kimble as Rush Chairman during a dinner in Statuary Hall in the Capitol, Boehner said that 2012 is "going to require the effort of every Congressman to stay united.  It's one thing to say no to Hurricane Sandy relief, but who knows what natural disasters might come down the pike.  I have the utmost confidence in Congressman Kimble to do the job."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Jack Kimble Victory Speech Transcript

[Jack Kimble has been projected the winner of the 54th District Election with a 71% - 27% lead with 3% of the precincts reporting]

Thank you! We did it! [Applause]

Yes! Thank you! I will try and speak loudly. I'm happy that we have our results early enough for many of you to get home and in bed before 9PM. My first message is to my Democrat colleagues. [Boos]

No, please. Let me speak [Applause]

I came to Washington, and didn't know what to expect. I saw a lot of people hating me, and didn't no what to feel about that, so I guess I didn't like you none too much either. During this campaign I saw a lot of you changing, the way you felt about me, and the way I felt about you. This election there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than 20 million, so I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I can change, and you can change maybe we can both change. [Applause]

This night wouldn't have been possible without the love and support of my wife Kerry who is been my guiding light this past year. It's no secret that this hasn't been an easy year for us, but she stood with me. [Applause]

To the voters who came out and voted, I couldn't have done it without you. I will continue my fight in Washington and we will get that fluoride removed from the drinking water and we will remove all that cumbersome regulation that drives up the price of baby formula. We will balance the budget and we will due it while cutting taxes. The era of the free ride is over. Unemployment insurance was supposed to be a safety net for working Americans, not a free ride for the jobless. We will be ending this. [Applause]

For my father, who has always been my greatest financial supporter, I have nothing but immense gratitude for what you have given me. For Jin, Wu, and my new financial backers we welcome your support and look forward to closer ties between our two countries [Applause]

To Dan Fagen, you ran a great race. I admired your decision to donate a kidney a mere 3 hours before our second debate, but remember donating a kidney is elective surgery. I apologize for the audits that I called for on the battered women's shelter. [Applause]

Goodnight America!! Stay Free!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Congressman Kimble Urges You to Get Out the Vote if You Can

One of the most important institutions in this country is the right to vote. It's the way for ordinary citizens to have a great impact on the course of the most powerful nation on this planet. There is nothing more important to the survival of the Republic than people making their voices heard...ordinarily anyway.

This time around, we're at the turning point. Today Gallup released a poll that showed on the generic ballot, Republicans were ahead of the Democrats by 15 percentage points. Now, the good news is that a point in the Gallup poll is equal to a 10 seat pickup in the House of Representatives. This means that after tomorrow we will go from 255-178 Democrats to 328-105 Republicans. This means that we will have a big enough gap to overturn vetoes and even more importantly I will have 150 vacated offices to potentially choose from.

So please get out the vote if you can. When I realized the huge margin of victory we were heading for, I was kind of hoping to sleep in late, but as a politician running for a seat, the press wants to film me voting. Do your best to get out to the polls and vote tomorrow, but even if you can't be sure to tune in and watch the victory. If low voter turnout knocks us down to 145 or even 140 seats picked up, it'll still be amazing.